Sunday, December 27, 2009
a question
What would our country be like if more politicians would choose to be more "custody mom" than "weekend dad" as Annise Parker said?
Monday, April 13, 2009
the gym
I have now been going to the gym for several weeks. The first week was exciting and fun so it was easy to keep going back. Half way through the second week the excitement about the gym was gone. By the end of the second week I was beginning to look for reasons to stay home from the gym, still, I persevered out of sheer will. Then a wonderful thing happened! I started to notice the regulars and the broad spectrum of entertainment possibilities they provide! Soon my trips to the gym became almost like pressing the "my dvr" button in my life. I would wonder what was in store for me as as walked into the "shows" page! after a bit of time I started to notice the regulars and the particular possibilities each of these "shows" brought w/ them.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Running
So I have been running for a bit now and there are some things I want to air out.
First, there is no love between running and me. I have not been able to enjoy the "runner's high" or anything like that. The first 5 minutes are a constant struggle to keep on going as I feel like I'm dying. So, I do not like running, it isn't a fun activity for me. It's more of a functional thing, it is the fastest easiest way to get exercise. I do not need to pay anyone for the privilege of running and I have no need to drive anywhere to get my workout.
As an aside, winter makes it a bit more inconvenient at times. As of now, thanks to the snow many of the sidewalks are still icy so running has become very interesting. It seems like just as I am getting in a rhythm there is another patch of ice that I need to slow down and dance for. I don't know how else to explain it but every time I am running over ice it's a bit like dancing as I'm looking for different places to step on safely, while listening to music and trying not to slow down too much. I guess that is a funny pic. I wonder if my "dancing" is different depending on the song that is on.
So why do I do it then?
I think I'm doing it because it is part of this whole Doug 2.0 theme with which I have been deeply involved in the past several months. I do not enjoy the event of running but I do appreciate the reason for running. I know running is a healthy activity that helps me in several aspects of life. Every time I run I get a very clearly felt illustration of delayed retribution, a lesson on patience if you will. This type of exercise is also a lesson on the importance of perseverance. A problem I have is that I am easily distracted at times and sometimes that keeps me from carrying through with things. So to live out the 5 minutes before I run and the first 5 minutes of the run serves me as a constant reminder that "sticking with it" is a fundamental part of life that becomes increasingly important during the unpleasant parts.
Lastly I can say that during my "troubled" years I was not very good at figuring out the direction I was following. I did not have any markers up a head that would give my life a sense of direction, I was simply letting life go and floating with it. Living in the moment is great as long as one is aware that the moment is one part of a journey somewhere. With running I also get to explore the wonderful combination of living in the moment fully while at the same time very aware of how that bit of time is part of a greater continuum that is taking me to a specific place. On the whole I can say that I am glad to have a clear goal in mind and the more clear that goal is the more what I dislike seems to become a "boberia". (a boberia [spanish slang], in this context, is something that is bothersome but in no way a limitation that is significant) In other words, the unpleasant aspects of life do not cease to be unpleasant but become something I see as necessary for the journey. They still affect me but in a healthier and less distracting way now.
First, there is no love between running and me. I have not been able to enjoy the "runner's high" or anything like that. The first 5 minutes are a constant struggle to keep on going as I feel like I'm dying. So, I do not like running, it isn't a fun activity for me. It's more of a functional thing, it is the fastest easiest way to get exercise. I do not need to pay anyone for the privilege of running and I have no need to drive anywhere to get my workout.
As an aside, winter makes it a bit more inconvenient at times. As of now, thanks to the snow many of the sidewalks are still icy so running has become very interesting. It seems like just as I am getting in a rhythm there is another patch of ice that I need to slow down and dance for. I don't know how else to explain it but every time I am running over ice it's a bit like dancing as I'm looking for different places to step on safely, while listening to music and trying not to slow down too much. I guess that is a funny pic. I wonder if my "dancing" is different depending on the song that is on.
So why do I do it then?
I think I'm doing it because it is part of this whole Doug 2.0 theme with which I have been deeply involved in the past several months. I do not enjoy the event of running but I do appreciate the reason for running. I know running is a healthy activity that helps me in several aspects of life. Every time I run I get a very clearly felt illustration of delayed retribution, a lesson on patience if you will. This type of exercise is also a lesson on the importance of perseverance. A problem I have is that I am easily distracted at times and sometimes that keeps me from carrying through with things. So to live out the 5 minutes before I run and the first 5 minutes of the run serves me as a constant reminder that "sticking with it" is a fundamental part of life that becomes increasingly important during the unpleasant parts.
Lastly I can say that during my "troubled" years I was not very good at figuring out the direction I was following. I did not have any markers up a head that would give my life a sense of direction, I was simply letting life go and floating with it. Living in the moment is great as long as one is aware that the moment is one part of a journey somewhere. With running I also get to explore the wonderful combination of living in the moment fully while at the same time very aware of how that bit of time is part of a greater continuum that is taking me to a specific place. On the whole I can say that I am glad to have a clear goal in mind and the more clear that goal is the more what I dislike seems to become a "boberia". (a boberia [spanish slang], in this context, is something that is bothersome but in no way a limitation that is significant) In other words, the unpleasant aspects of life do not cease to be unpleasant but become something I see as necessary for the journey. They still affect me but in a healthier and less distracting way now.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Supermarket sterotypes
So tonight I went grocery shopping at the local supermarket. I hadn't been grocery shopping in a long time so this was an event. Then again I did not want to spend hours there soI figured it was good to go there on a monday night right after a holiday as most people would be home. I have to say I was right as there was hardly anyone there except every stereotype one could have of single guys, the diversity of this subset of society was rain forest plentiful. I found myself simply walking around the whole place in search of every type I could find. The task was made easier as I was able to blend in so I was free to roam undisturbed. A wonderful thing happened in the midst of my safari, a woman made a brief appearance! It was obvious she knew she was not on her turf and in possibly dangerous ground as she hurried in and proceeded to walk with purpose to the specific places where she would find the items that whatever home emergency had forced her to venture there at that time.
She was walking fast, looking around very much like Gazelles do when the afternoon is coming and the cheetahs are more active. Of course I had to watch the scene as the scent of a woman was now making its way throughout the place. So, I decided to follow her, try to keep up really, it was very helpful that the hand basket she had was lagging behind as she rushed through. The first one to notice was the heavy set single man, wearing jeans rolled down by the belly. Which are fortunately unseen as the un-tucked bottom of his shirt hangs like a curtain covering all that need not be seen. He is the man who, despite all evidence to the contrary, is still convinced that younger women do actually enjoy it when he stares at them. He smiled in expectation but she simply walked faster staring at the floor as if it could help her avoid the eyes following her.
Our next specimen is the younger guy who is just getting started in his white collar job so he's still wearing his suit at 9 pm and is only shopping for that night's dinner. But he fails to realize that shopping while hugry always makes us get more so at the moment the scent of the woman reaches him he is almost too busy trying to keep all the items in his hands under control. I can almost hear it, "Should have gotten a basket, I always do this!" He senses the coming possibility so his back is straightened, eyes open wider, his legs bend ever slightly in preparation to spring to action when needed. Then, just as she is coming into range the cheese sticks that were precariously placed on top of the hummus container on his left hand slip off of it and begin to fall causing a chain reaction that take his eyes of the prey. By the time he looked up the only one who actually gained something from this exchange was the girl who was now smiling slightly at the amusing scene she had just witnesed.
More later.....
She was walking fast, looking around very much like Gazelles do when the afternoon is coming and the cheetahs are more active. Of course I had to watch the scene as the scent of a woman was now making its way throughout the place. So, I decided to follow her, try to keep up really, it was very helpful that the hand basket she had was lagging behind as she rushed through. The first one to notice was the heavy set single man, wearing jeans rolled down by the belly. Which are fortunately unseen as the un-tucked bottom of his shirt hangs like a curtain covering all that need not be seen. He is the man who, despite all evidence to the contrary, is still convinced that younger women do actually enjoy it when he stares at them. He smiled in expectation but she simply walked faster staring at the floor as if it could help her avoid the eyes following her.
Our next specimen is the younger guy who is just getting started in his white collar job so he's still wearing his suit at 9 pm and is only shopping for that night's dinner. But he fails to realize that shopping while hugry always makes us get more so at the moment the scent of the woman reaches him he is almost too busy trying to keep all the items in his hands under control. I can almost hear it, "Should have gotten a basket, I always do this!" He senses the coming possibility so his back is straightened, eyes open wider, his legs bend ever slightly in preparation to spring to action when needed. Then, just as she is coming into range the cheese sticks that were precariously placed on top of the hummus container on his left hand slip off of it and begin to fall causing a chain reaction that take his eyes of the prey. By the time he looked up the only one who actually gained something from this exchange was the girl who was now smiling slightly at the amusing scene she had just witnesed.
More later.....
Hardest part of my job
Today I am going to be at a graveside service. There will be no funeral service or visitation hour, no day long reminiscing time for most of the family. We will meet at the cemetery in 8 degree weather, I will do the ceremony then the few people who came all go home. It will be a very sad day. I did not know the person nor the family but I will still be sad. This will not be a good day for the few in that family who'll be together. Sad day indeed.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Some thoughts on 2.0, at the crossroad
Hello everyone and by everyone I really probably mean me. In any case, I have been a bit crazy this past two years and the further away I get from the whole drama within me the more evident that seems. I now find myself at a crossroads of sort. I now am well on my way to being what I have wanted to be for a while. On the one hand that is amazing and on the other it is difficult as it makes me want to set about recovering what has been lost in aspects of my life. The question becomes burdensome in the sense of what a crossroad is. I am at a place at which I can choose to go in several different directions.
On the one hand there is the road ahead just past the interception I am in. This road offers the excitement of the unknown that I will be engaging while riding my new "wheels". I have to admit there is very strong appeal to go in that direction and simply explore, see what's there, imagine how good it could be! I can meet new people, see new places, see old places in a different way, what a wonderful opportunity!
There is also the possibility of coming back the way I came in my new "wheels". There is also excitement there as I will be able to see familiar things from a very different perspective. I have to allow myself the realization that it will not be the same this time around. Things may have been moved, places torn down. Will I be able to cope with those changes? Of course, I too will be changed and that rises the question about the reaction all those familiar places and people will have at seeing me. Will they like what they see? On this aspect I have to say that I am very clear in the thought that the current me is a much improved version of the one who went through those places. But will they believe me? After all, I have said before that I have changed! I was rushing it I really hadn't but I had taken steps in that direction! Is this a clintonesk comment? Hair splitting of the highest order. But, how does one explain that this time there is a wolf! How can I explain, using the same words that this time there is a change, it is real, it has happened! We all get just so many chances to cry wolf before we are not believed any longer. How can I say this time it is true? I guess I could just let them see the wolf! But that takes patience as it has to be around, be seen, smelled, felt! Do I have that patience?
So here I am at the crossroad and pondering what to do. A very good friend of mine said something to me earlier today that has stayed with me until right now. In fact my friend's comment is what prompted this update. I was conversing with my friend about what to do now in life. I did not frame it in the crossroad sense but I wish I had as the analogy does hold the meaning of where I am now very well. here is what my friend had to say about the going back through the road I came from,
"Well, is the investment worth the trip? Is this something you are willing to invest yourself into enough to purchase the whole thing? Are you willing to put up with the things that bothered you before, the things you did not like?"
I would probably add to that comment that this is also not an assured investment. I could put myself into the endeavor of visiting that world only to have all my investment lost. Is this possibility worth enough to risk a great deal? I must admit that right now I do believe the investment worth it. I may be too close to the crossroad and idealizing the possibility. I mean, the other way, to keep on going without looking back and putting all of me in to the discovery is also a risk, though with a less clear win/loss situation. How could I measure what of the unknown is a win or loss? Then again in re-visiting a previous road I also may have my view of what winning/losing is changed.
So, a crossroad indeed. There are no markers at this crossroad just signs that hint at possibilities but I am unable to see the actual places. What to do, what to do is the question.
Should anyone happen upon this brief pondering of mine and find themselves with an opinion, feel free to respond to me. Perhaps you have been at a crossroad before and made a choice, how did it go? Which way did you take?
On the one hand there is the road ahead just past the interception I am in. This road offers the excitement of the unknown that I will be engaging while riding my new "wheels". I have to admit there is very strong appeal to go in that direction and simply explore, see what's there, imagine how good it could be! I can meet new people, see new places, see old places in a different way, what a wonderful opportunity!
There is also the possibility of coming back the way I came in my new "wheels". There is also excitement there as I will be able to see familiar things from a very different perspective. I have to allow myself the realization that it will not be the same this time around. Things may have been moved, places torn down. Will I be able to cope with those changes? Of course, I too will be changed and that rises the question about the reaction all those familiar places and people will have at seeing me. Will they like what they see? On this aspect I have to say that I am very clear in the thought that the current me is a much improved version of the one who went through those places. But will they believe me? After all, I have said before that I have changed! I was rushing it I really hadn't but I had taken steps in that direction! Is this a clintonesk comment? Hair splitting of the highest order. But, how does one explain that this time there is a wolf! How can I explain, using the same words that this time there is a change, it is real, it has happened! We all get just so many chances to cry wolf before we are not believed any longer. How can I say this time it is true? I guess I could just let them see the wolf! But that takes patience as it has to be around, be seen, smelled, felt! Do I have that patience?
So here I am at the crossroad and pondering what to do. A very good friend of mine said something to me earlier today that has stayed with me until right now. In fact my friend's comment is what prompted this update. I was conversing with my friend about what to do now in life. I did not frame it in the crossroad sense but I wish I had as the analogy does hold the meaning of where I am now very well. here is what my friend had to say about the going back through the road I came from,
"Well, is the investment worth the trip? Is this something you are willing to invest yourself into enough to purchase the whole thing? Are you willing to put up with the things that bothered you before, the things you did not like?"
I would probably add to that comment that this is also not an assured investment. I could put myself into the endeavor of visiting that world only to have all my investment lost. Is this possibility worth enough to risk a great deal? I must admit that right now I do believe the investment worth it. I may be too close to the crossroad and idealizing the possibility. I mean, the other way, to keep on going without looking back and putting all of me in to the discovery is also a risk, though with a less clear win/loss situation. How could I measure what of the unknown is a win or loss? Then again in re-visiting a previous road I also may have my view of what winning/losing is changed.
So, a crossroad indeed. There are no markers at this crossroad just signs that hint at possibilities but I am unable to see the actual places. What to do, what to do is the question.
Should anyone happen upon this brief pondering of mine and find themselves with an opinion, feel free to respond to me. Perhaps you have been at a crossroad before and made a choice, how did it go? Which way did you take?
Friday, January 16, 2009
wasted time
As I think on my recent "trip" one thing keeps on coming to mind, "wasted time". There were plenty of times at which I was present but not really there. I was lost in my mind or my concerns and was allowing those things to take over. There were other times in which I pushed those around me away for similar reasons by being moody or in a foul mood. I now know I was working through things and should have taken time apart from the people I care about during those episodes.
Interestingly I thought saying that I was in a bad mood and would see people later would be a waste of time. Now I know that it was the opposite, excusing myself would have actually been the best way to avoid wasting time. Instead by staying around I made it more difficult for others to be around me and actually made it work to be around me. That caused people around me and my "fellow traveler" to have undue stress and be unable to enjoy the experience as fully as it should have been. In other words, by not excusing myself from these instances I was wasting my time and the time of some of the people around me. I will not torture you with examples of these instances but if you happen to know me and have spent time with me this past year you will know what I am talking about.
I think I also would like to point out that I am writing these things for myself more than others. I could have kept these things in a journal but somehow, in a way I cannot explain, it feels much better to do it here. Maybe I'm hoping someone who may be behind me in this experience reads this and turns around before they get as far as I did? Then again how would they find this blog? haha
Interestingly I thought saying that I was in a bad mood and would see people later would be a waste of time. Now I know that it was the opposite, excusing myself would have actually been the best way to avoid wasting time. Instead by staying around I made it more difficult for others to be around me and actually made it work to be around me. That caused people around me and my "fellow traveler" to have undue stress and be unable to enjoy the experience as fully as it should have been. In other words, by not excusing myself from these instances I was wasting my time and the time of some of the people around me. I will not torture you with examples of these instances but if you happen to know me and have spent time with me this past year you will know what I am talking about.
I think I also would like to point out that I am writing these things for myself more than others. I could have kept these things in a journal but somehow, in a way I cannot explain, it feels much better to do it here. Maybe I'm hoping someone who may be behind me in this experience reads this and turns around before they get as far as I did? Then again how would they find this blog? haha
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Signs of new life Doug 2.0
This week has been an incredibly difficult week for me. I think what is worst about this week is that coming to it I knew better than ever that I had arrived close to home and was truly ready to enjoy life as Doug 2.0 as it were. Some things changed suddenly and put a damper on the celebration. I don't believe this has stopped or will change where I am now as I really cannot go back. Of course, only those closest to me during this past year would be able to really know where I have been and would be glad to see where I am. So here is this blog to the beginning of the celebration of Doug 2.0. Feel free to join as it will be going on during the entire year and beyond.
It makes me smile to think that I am writing this as if people are actually reading it. Anyhow, early in these posts I mentioned how life often times gets bitter sweet and that is in fact what is happening right now. I am very excited about the possibilities that are ahead while at the same time very sad at how it is that I am beginning this part of my trip. But I digress....
Signs of New Life
Well, I've been able to express how I'm feeling in a better way while at the same time being able to simply retreat when I know I need to not be around people. That's a big thing for me as this past two years have been made more difficult by my inability to communicate and withdraw when I need to. I should also mention that arriving at where I am not is not a new realization or it has not happened this week I have been on this way for months now and actually realized it ever more clearly from around the end of November on. I was glad it was different and felt the difference in my life. Unfortunately much was lost in this process but I believe I have grown from it, though I must admit I cannot really want to embrace the whole being glad for growth thing just yet, haha. I'm not sure exactly how much I have gained vs what I have lost from these past two years but I do look forward to getting more and more clarity on this as time passes.
It makes me smile to think that I am writing this as if people are actually reading it. Anyhow, early in these posts I mentioned how life often times gets bitter sweet and that is in fact what is happening right now. I am very excited about the possibilities that are ahead while at the same time very sad at how it is that I am beginning this part of my trip. But I digress....
Signs of New Life
Well, I've been able to express how I'm feeling in a better way while at the same time being able to simply retreat when I know I need to not be around people. That's a big thing for me as this past two years have been made more difficult by my inability to communicate and withdraw when I need to. I should also mention that arriving at where I am not is not a new realization or it has not happened this week I have been on this way for months now and actually realized it ever more clearly from around the end of November on. I was glad it was different and felt the difference in my life. Unfortunately much was lost in this process but I believe I have grown from it, though I must admit I cannot really want to embrace the whole being glad for growth thing just yet, haha. I'm not sure exactly how much I have gained vs what I have lost from these past two years but I do look forward to getting more and more clarity on this as time passes.
Some thoughts
So I heard that my postings here seem as if someone took a private journal and published it. My friend is right, these postings have been a bit of a behind the scenes look at a person during a very particularly difficult time. Interestingly it could have gone either way, until very recently it was a very good time, yet life is full of unexpected turns.
It is very difficult to see a process when one is living it until there's some tangible change and a bit of introspection. That is what has happened to me these past two and 1/2 weeks. The change has been there for a while now but the ability to see it was hampered by the closeness to it. I did pour a great deal of me into these posts and I'm sure I also was a bit too open about some things. I hope all I have exposed here is me and no one else, it was done as a way to workout some stuff. When it all started it was simply a way to be distracted, yet it became something entirely different as it went on. I think I'll keep on writing here but I'm sorry to say it may not be as "back stage" as the previous ones were. Then again, I didn't think these posts were going to be such an open book story when I started them haha.
It is very difficult to see a process when one is living it until there's some tangible change and a bit of introspection. That is what has happened to me these past two and 1/2 weeks. The change has been there for a while now but the ability to see it was hampered by the closeness to it. I did pour a great deal of me into these posts and I'm sure I also was a bit too open about some things. I hope all I have exposed here is me and no one else, it was done as a way to workout some stuff. When it all started it was simply a way to be distracted, yet it became something entirely different as it went on. I think I'll keep on writing here but I'm sorry to say it may not be as "back stage" as the previous ones were. Then again, I didn't think these posts were going to be such an open book story when I started them haha.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Learnings
So now you, whomever that is, are caught up. As I come to the end of this trip and can see my destination very clearly, I take stock of the price of this trip. I have learned a whole lot about life, me and "right" living. I have learned that the price of lying is very steep and it always ends up ruining things. I have learned that trusting includes being more open and jealousy is really insecurity. I have learned that much has been gained from this trip but what I lost is even more. So I have indeed learned, I have moved, I have changed. I also have been crushed, and have learned sadness in a deeper way than before.
As we grow older life becomes more and more bitter sweet. I am very excited at the possibilities of living my life without carrying the weight I have been carrying these past two years and some. To live without the need to hide anything, to live in one world, be the same everywhere for all, is something that I want to enjoy. I have learned that I do have a sense of "call" but that it is in no way as big and as overpowering as I thought it. I have learned that I am a pastor but that I am also a human and though the church needs a specific picture of its pastor I do not need to try and be that picture. I am who I am and my imperfections bring as much strength to what I do as what I do well.
I am more sad than I have been in many many years. At the same time the reason for this sadness is that I actually did give all of me to someone and that is a very special thing in life. I was not able to do that before, I'm glad I am now.
there is comfort in being in this place. I don't think I am done learning. But I do think that I am now more clear on where I am as a person. I do not want to get ahead of myself again and say I've arrived entirely at who I "was" but I know that I see it more and more every day.
I don't know how much of what I lost with my walking partner can be recovered. I do know that this past month I was able to see glimpses of what that partnership can do and was amazed, excited, all in.
Who knows what life has in store. But I end by saying that I have kept some things throughout that I cherish. My faith has grown more mature and flexible. I fully realize now how that is a search, walking as it were, more than anything else. I have kept friends I did not know I was keeping and that is to their credit. I have kept my love for what I do yet it is now a more realistic way to see it and that makes me feel healthier. I too have kept my love for my "walking partner". It is something I have not experienced before, to this depth, and for that I am thankful.
As we grow older life becomes more and more bitter sweet. I am very excited at the possibilities of living my life without carrying the weight I have been carrying these past two years and some. To live without the need to hide anything, to live in one world, be the same everywhere for all, is something that I want to enjoy. I have learned that I do have a sense of "call" but that it is in no way as big and as overpowering as I thought it. I have learned that I am a pastor but that I am also a human and though the church needs a specific picture of its pastor I do not need to try and be that picture. I am who I am and my imperfections bring as much strength to what I do as what I do well.
I am more sad than I have been in many many years. At the same time the reason for this sadness is that I actually did give all of me to someone and that is a very special thing in life. I was not able to do that before, I'm glad I am now.
there is comfort in being in this place. I don't think I am done learning. But I do think that I am now more clear on where I am as a person. I do not want to get ahead of myself again and say I've arrived entirely at who I "was" but I know that I see it more and more every day.
I don't know how much of what I lost with my walking partner can be recovered. I do know that this past month I was able to see glimpses of what that partnership can do and was amazed, excited, all in.
Who knows what life has in store. But I end by saying that I have kept some things throughout that I cherish. My faith has grown more mature and flexible. I fully realize now how that is a search, walking as it were, more than anything else. I have kept friends I did not know I was keeping and that is to their credit. I have kept my love for what I do yet it is now a more realistic way to see it and that makes me feel healthier. I too have kept my love for my "walking partner". It is something I have not experienced before, to this depth, and for that I am thankful.
a tiring walk
when I started on my way back I had no idea how far away I had gone. I knew as I got on my way that it was far and kept on trying to short cut it telling myself these things are now fixed, I'm already past that marker, I really am closer. If I had been traveling by myself this wouldn't have been that bad, though frustrating yes, but there was someone there with me and I kept on mentioning change before it had actually happened, so in my hope to rush back I kept on pushing someone away, yet this person remained and helped and made me want to be a better man. Several months ago I was out and a great deal of things came together and palpable change actually happened and it showed in my life! I could see glimpses of me up ahead and was recognizing them! It was great and I was very hopeful, I still am hopeful. However, I was still not done paying back the debt I incurred. In my rush to be closer to the true me I promised ahead of where I was and that person grew tired as it was affecting this person's life. So now that person can't walk w/ me anymore and it is the biggest loss I have had to face in a very long time. I don't know what the future will bring for me but as of now I hope for this walk to take me to crossing paths again with my walking partner in such a way that we could take a trip, of the good kind this time around.
worlds colliding
As I got on the road back and started moving I needed to pay for my "stay" as it were. So I had relationship collapse, I isolated myself from friends and family, my work suffered, my mood worsened, I became a moody person that spend a great deal of time upset or would be thrown into a "mood" by random things. To be where I was turned out to be a very pricy place.
As the worlds began to come closer I realized that the side with the "truer" me was the one I cared about the most. While at the same time it was the one in which I had been very disingenuous. I had created a world that I was falling in love with that needed to be fixed with truth but could mean that it'd be the end of the best parts of it. However, as I went along there was a big fight with my will, my ego, to keep that world as intact. I was losing to my ego a lot at first, which made me frustrated and well back to moody. Slowly the change started and true change was well on its way. So, somewhere along the way less than a year ago I made the complete move from trying to keep as much of my two worlds apart as possible to actually doing the work of bringing them together.
throughout this time there was someone walking with me who kept on helping me along and I will be forever thankful for it.
As the worlds began to come closer I realized that the side with the "truer" me was the one I cared about the most. While at the same time it was the one in which I had been very disingenuous. I had created a world that I was falling in love with that needed to be fixed with truth but could mean that it'd be the end of the best parts of it. However, as I went along there was a big fight with my will, my ego, to keep that world as intact. I was losing to my ego a lot at first, which made me frustrated and well back to moody. Slowly the change started and true change was well on its way. So, somewhere along the way less than a year ago I made the complete move from trying to keep as much of my two worlds apart as possible to actually doing the work of bringing them together.
throughout this time there was someone walking with me who kept on helping me along and I will be forever thankful for it.
Payments come due
So while living in hiding I did and said many things. As I started my long way back to just one me the hiding part of my life was beginning to catch up with me. I mentioned earlier a serious relationship ending. It still hurts to think that it ended the way it did, it is a big deal to go from ending something on the way to marriage. The details are very important but not only relating to me so they remain private but I can say that my world at this time maybe 1 1/2 year ago was a swirling storm. I knew I had turned and was going somewhere but did not where and kept on making wrong turns and false starts. I had no directions as I didn't know where I was going, I had really forgotten who I was before I left for this trip. In addition to that all the lies I had said needed to be either sustained or I had to come clean. I don't know if anyone is actually reading this but if you don't know who I am this is just another blog. If you do know who I am I'm sorry if you were hurt by me during this time. Or if you are being hurt now by reading about this. I need to do this and other things to finish this short but terrible period of my life. I have lost much and deservedly. I hurt someone very deeply who is a great person and I will probably never hear from or be in touch with again. I also met someone around this time who in many ways I wish I were 're-meeting now, but I digress.
as I started moving out of the depths of this part of my life my worlds started moving towards each other. The closer they came to each other the harder it was to sustain the differences.
as I started moving out of the depths of this part of my life my worlds started moving towards each other. The closer they came to each other the harder it was to sustain the differences.
Hiding
So my least favorite place during my trip was the part where I was hiding each life from the other. Slowly but surely I came to be comfortable with lying as the way to keep these two lives apart. It was very difficult at first and there was a lot of guilt. Then, slowly I became more and more comfortable and started seeing it as a tool that allowed me to have a "fuller" life! So I was settling very comfortably into this unsustainable way of living and it was in the midst of this "comfort" that the road curved and before I realized it I was on the way back to me, just one me. Just a little more of this horrible time, I was lying to people and there really wasn't malicious intent. Well, I was so far gone that I was able to justify those things in a way that was comfortable. My main argument was that not everyone needs to know all of me and I should then keep them in the world I meet them! If that means I have to lie then it's for the best. The thought of actually believing that is now disgusting to me. But at that time it was what I was using to cope with all that stuff.
two lives
I guess a good question to ask now is what were these two lives. Now, this is a very difficult question for me to explore because as I said in my first entry I am just arriving at where I was before this "trip" so this is still very fresh. In any case, this blog is yet another way for me to clear this part of my life so here it is.
One life is an associate pastor that seems to be made for the job. In that role I bend over backwards to do everything right and learn my job well. I mean, I genuinely enjoy it I love aspects of it, it really is within what I feel to be my "call". So the image projected onto me is a very idealized version of a perfect person who happens to look like me. Apparently some people think the world of me and I seem to be showing them they are right. So the play continues and I learn and study my part as well as I can and am getting better and better at it. Soon maneuvering in this "role" becomes almost second nature to me. The problem is that I also begin to see it as a role I am playing and that allows the me that is "truer" to feel neglected or insufficient. So, welcome the second life.
The second life is the me that does not have to be perfect. It has the basic components of who I should be ( I did not that then, it isn't until now that I've realized that). It is the person who is eager to explore life in a way that is open minded and varied. It is a person who cherishes company and is eager to discover others, someone who likes fun that sometimes does go overboard, But more of who I should be later after the intro. The second life is also one which dislikes the title of pastor and increasingly begins to hate the persona that title makes one be. So I begin to, at first, delay telling new people about what I do and then towards the farthest part of my trip, at the bottom of these two years, out right lying about life.
One life is an associate pastor that seems to be made for the job. In that role I bend over backwards to do everything right and learn my job well. I mean, I genuinely enjoy it I love aspects of it, it really is within what I feel to be my "call". So the image projected onto me is a very idealized version of a perfect person who happens to look like me. Apparently some people think the world of me and I seem to be showing them they are right. So the play continues and I learn and study my part as well as I can and am getting better and better at it. Soon maneuvering in this "role" becomes almost second nature to me. The problem is that I also begin to see it as a role I am playing and that allows the me that is "truer" to feel neglected or insufficient. So, welcome the second life.
The second life is the me that does not have to be perfect. It has the basic components of who I should be ( I did not that then, it isn't until now that I've realized that). It is the person who is eager to explore life in a way that is open minded and varied. It is a person who cherishes company and is eager to discover others, someone who likes fun that sometimes does go overboard, But more of who I should be later after the intro. The second life is also one which dislikes the title of pastor and increasingly begins to hate the persona that title makes one be. So I begin to, at first, delay telling new people about what I do and then towards the farthest part of my trip, at the bottom of these two years, out right lying about life.
Down the river a little more
So I go on with my life, acting out my role in a play that is just harder and harder to do after every show. But I keep at it and begin separating who I am from my character, which would have been just right if I was on a play instead of life. The separation then begins to create two lives for me. So I begin living both lives and developing them separately. At first this process is a relief for me, I finally have an outlet and it feels good. But slowly I begin to realize that I do have two lives and they are completely separated from each other and what's worse I cannot allow them to cross paths. They're just too different, it's too far gone so I set about keeping each life from the other.
So it begins
A little over two years ago I went on a trip that I am still returning from. I had just finished school, was offered a job the day after I graduated, all was good. Everything was going according to plan in my life. Then I got into the plan and realized that though many aspects of it were just right I as a person was not who I thought I was supposed to be in living this life. So everything started changing and I became increasingly unhappy with many things for no reason at all. That led me to one mistake after another as I raced down this curvy strange road. I was going faster and faster and out of control. My first accident was committing to a relationship I thought was going to change me into who the person for this life was supposed to be. Problem with that was that I did not want to be changed, I wanted to forced to be changed. It isn't necessary for me to go into too much detail for it to be evident how this relationship went.
I was still searching and holding on to the idea that if I would only force myself into the caricature I created of what my life should be I would eventually get there. So I fought and fought and simply became more and more frustrated by trying to swim upriver when what I should have done was get to the shore and sit there for a bit.
I was still searching and holding on to the idea that if I would only force myself into the caricature I created of what my life should be I would eventually get there. So I fought and fought and simply became more and more frustrated by trying to swim upriver when what I should have done was get to the shore and sit there for a bit.
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