So now you, whomever that is, are caught up. As I come to the end of this trip and can see my destination very clearly, I take stock of the price of this trip. I have learned a whole lot about life, me and "right" living. I have learned that the price of lying is very steep and it always ends up ruining things. I have learned that trusting includes being more open and jealousy is really insecurity. I have learned that much has been gained from this trip but what I lost is even more. So I have indeed learned, I have moved, I have changed. I also have been crushed, and have learned sadness in a deeper way than before.
As we grow older life becomes more and more bitter sweet. I am very excited at the possibilities of living my life without carrying the weight I have been carrying these past two years and some. To live without the need to hide anything, to live in one world, be the same everywhere for all, is something that I want to enjoy. I have learned that I do have a sense of "call" but that it is in no way as big and as overpowering as I thought it. I have learned that I am a pastor but that I am also a human and though the church needs a specific picture of its pastor I do not need to try and be that picture. I am who I am and my imperfections bring as much strength to what I do as what I do well.
I am more sad than I have been in many many years. At the same time the reason for this sadness is that I actually did give all of me to someone and that is a very special thing in life. I was not able to do that before, I'm glad I am now.
there is comfort in being in this place. I don't think I am done learning. But I do think that I am now more clear on where I am as a person. I do not want to get ahead of myself again and say I've arrived entirely at who I "was" but I know that I see it more and more every day.
I don't know how much of what I lost with my walking partner can be recovered. I do know that this past month I was able to see glimpses of what that partnership can do and was amazed, excited, all in.
Who knows what life has in store. But I end by saying that I have kept some things throughout that I cherish. My faith has grown more mature and flexible. I fully realize now how that is a search, walking as it were, more than anything else. I have kept friends I did not know I was keeping and that is to their credit. I have kept my love for what I do yet it is now a more realistic way to see it and that makes me feel healthier. I too have kept my love for my "walking partner". It is something I have not experienced before, to this depth, and for that I am thankful.
