Hello everyone and by everyone I really probably mean me. In any case, I have been a bit crazy this past two years and the further away I get from the whole drama within me the more evident that seems. I now find myself at a crossroads of sort. I now am well on my way to being what I have wanted to be for a while. On the one hand that is amazing and on the other it is difficult as it makes me want to set about recovering what has been lost in aspects of my life. The question becomes burdensome in the sense of what a crossroad is. I am at a place at which I can choose to go in several different directions.
On the one hand there is the road ahead just past the interception I am in. This road offers the excitement of the unknown that I will be engaging while riding my new "wheels". I have to admit there is very strong appeal to go in that direction and simply explore, see what's there, imagine how good it could be! I can meet new people, see new places, see old places in a different way, what a wonderful opportunity!
There is also the possibility of coming back the way I came in my new "wheels". There is also excitement there as I will be able to see familiar things from a very different perspective. I have to allow myself the realization that it will not be the same this time around. Things may have been moved, places torn down. Will I be able to cope with those changes? Of course, I too will be changed and that rises the question about the reaction all those familiar places and people will have at seeing me. Will they like what they see? On this aspect I have to say that I am very clear in the thought that the current me is a much improved version of the one who went through those places. But will they believe me? After all, I have said before that I have changed! I was rushing it I really hadn't but I had taken steps in that direction! Is this a clintonesk comment? Hair splitting of the highest order. But, how does one explain that this time there is a wolf! How can I explain, using the same words that this time there is a change, it is real, it has happened! We all get just so many chances to cry wolf before we are not believed any longer. How can I say this time it is true? I guess I could just let them see the wolf! But that takes patience as it has to be around, be seen, smelled, felt! Do I have that patience?
So here I am at the crossroad and pondering what to do. A very good friend of mine said something to me earlier today that has stayed with me until right now. In fact my friend's comment is what prompted this update. I was conversing with my friend about what to do now in life. I did not frame it in the crossroad sense but I wish I had as the analogy does hold the meaning of where I am now very well. here is what my friend had to say about the going back through the road I came from,
"Well, is the investment worth the trip? Is this something you are willing to invest yourself into enough to purchase the whole thing? Are you willing to put up with the things that bothered you before, the things you did not like?"
I would probably add to that comment that this is also not an assured investment. I could put myself into the endeavor of visiting that world only to have all my investment lost. Is this possibility worth enough to risk a great deal? I must admit that right now I do believe the investment worth it. I may be too close to the crossroad and idealizing the possibility. I mean, the other way, to keep on going without looking back and putting all of me in to the discovery is also a risk, though with a less clear win/loss situation. How could I measure what of the unknown is a win or loss? Then again in re-visiting a previous road I also may have my view of what winning/losing is changed.
So, a crossroad indeed. There are no markers at this crossroad just signs that hint at possibilities but I am unable to see the actual places. What to do, what to do is the question.
Should anyone happen upon this brief pondering of mine and find themselves with an opinion, feel free to respond to me. Perhaps you have been at a crossroad before and made a choice, how did it go? Which way did you take?
